I am reading this book called “The Defining Decade” by Meg Jay, hands down it is amazing. It is about twentysomethings figuring out their life, so it surely makes for a good read for me. So far, I am loving it and highly highly recommend you buy a copy (link above).
The chapter I just read, was really mind blowing. It talked about picking your family. Sure, we cannot pick the family we are born in, but we can definitely pick our family based on the kind of partner we marry. Getting married in life, by the point of view of Meg Jay, is one of the most important decisions we make. Yet, noone guides us on ‘how’ to choose a partner. We get enough guidance on what an ideal partner looks like, and by that logic, a lot of pressure also when the ‘time’ comes to choose a partner but there is no book or course that teaches one about ‘choosing a life partner’. We seem to be okay in gambling it out as a society with a few months of due diligence at most.
The ’30’ curse
Closer to the age of thirty, women in particular, get a lot of pressure from their families to get married (no surprise!). However, the point Meg makes in the book, which I completely agree with, is that no one actually guides us through our twenties in being conscious about this decision. Especially as we get into relationships in our twenties (if at all), we lack the intentionality that is needed when we think about marriage.
Truth be told, it is not an easy choice to make. To quote her, “There is something scary about picking your family. It’s not romantic. It means you aren’t just waiting for your soulmate to arrive. It means you know you are making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. It means you are thinking about the fact that your relationship needs to work not only in the here and now but also in the there and then.” And yet, no one openly talks to us about the ‘health’ of a relationship or the fact that relationships need to be considered more deeply.
The ‘magical appearance’ of a partner
I don’t believe in the magical appearance of a partner, that one fine day, the right person will walk into your life. I believe you need to work up to it by continuously becoming the kind of person that you yourself would like to marry. Grow, learn, develop your capabilities so that you are able to create a pathway for your future relationships and family is more my way of thinking.
Meg mentions a point that really hit home for me, she writes, “Besides, like work, good relationships don’t just appear when we are ready. It may take a few thoughtful tries before we know what love and commitment really are”. To land a good job, we go to school, college, internships, counsellors, consultants and what not. And yet, for the most important decision of our lives, which is finding a partner, we are not open to feedback and the Indian society doesn’t really help with not having an open and honest conversation with our parents also for that matter.
Are they not supposed to discuss this matter throughout our young years, than suddenly realizing this conversation needs to happen come the ringing bell of the age of 27? (That’s a topic for another day though).
Being mindful
The point I am trying to make here, very much in line with what Meg says is to look at marriage and a future family with some more intentionality. Don’t just go crazy over a toxic guy, and think about marriage with him, without considering other factors. Love is one foundational aspect of it, not denying, but it is not the only aspect of it.
Here’s a random Insta post that summed it up really well for me.
My learning from this has been to be intentional about picking your future family, this is one of the most important decisions of your life, and it should not be taken with a laid-back mindset.
So talk, discuss, brainstorm, think, pray, connect on multiple different views and facets that the future is going to bring, before you decide to say yes.
And before you say yes to anybody, say yes to yourself. Be comfortable in your skin. Be intentional in your relationships. Don’t consider this decision as a burden, it’s an important aspect of life. So, work towards it just as you have for your career.
Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash
