How to apologize in a better way

A while ago, I came across an article that suggested women apologized more than men. More often than not, women apologized for unnecessary things. That got my head spinning, it was time to do some self reflection.

Truth be told, I did not find myself to be any different. When I became more intentional about tracking how many times and what all I was apologizing for, it became quite clear that some of the sorry’s needed to be trashed out. For example: “I am sorry I couldn’t take your call” or “I am sorry, I missed your message”. In fact, not just sorry, there were times when I found it difficult to articulate my gratitude upon being given some opportunity. I would reply to emails saying “I am glad you would like to consider me for this opportunity”. In hindsight, I was undermining the value I was creating and I could really use better words to express myself.

Thinking about the word: Sorry

So I journaled my thoughts about this word – sorry. I came to realize that every time I said it without reason, it diminished my confidence and weakened how I was presenting myself. I shouldn’t be apologizing if I missed a call, or if I couldn’t promptly respond to a text.

When I went deeper into my journaling, I found it was coming from a space of ‘keeping up with relationships’. You know times when you apologize for being who you are, just to save relationships? I also recalled a couple of gaslighting experiences where some people had put the burden of their emotions and feelings on me or my actions. This reflection not only made me feel guilty but also made me apologize to myself. I could do better, for myself.

You are responsible for your own emotions and words

A lesson learnt the hard way, especially as a woman. You’re only responsible for your own emotions, everyone else needs to manage their feelings on their own. You do not have to apologize for being who you are, and by all means when people put the burden of their suffering onto you, you don’t have to take it.

There are also better ways to communicate things politely, the idea of ‘saying sorry’ being a polite way to communicate needs to be reimagined. Some of the things I have done to eliminate the ‘unnecessary sorry’s from my life’ are:

1. Saying thank you: I have started using thank you more often than sorry. For example: “Thanks for reaching out, I will get back to you as I wrap up some prior engagements” in place of “I am sorry I couldn’t take your call”.
2. Owning your emotions: I am intentional about how and what I am feeling, on priority. Noone else governs my feelings.
3. Think twice before saying sorry: I think for an extra moment before saying sorry. Mind you, I don’t mean that one shouldn’t apologize where needed, but the sorry’s I am talking about are the ones you blurt out of habit.
4. Journaling: Writing is empowering, it is a way for me to get to know me better. When I am regular in writing, I am more aware about my emotions. This awareness impacts my conversations and choice of words.

The world needs more compassion, but remember, it starts with the self. Say no to unnecessary apologies.

Photo by mark tulin on Unsplash

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash